Carroll Baker

Dear Grandma:

God I am so sorry to take so long to write again. Well if you have been watching you know there has been a lot going on. It has been weeks since I have had a day off except for the lesbian wedding I was best man at....oh yeah you beat we have to talk about that sometime. My computer died and I lost all of the music I had been downloading recently. I wish I could explain to you how the world of music has changed since you and I listened to eight-tracks at the trailor. Do you remember how sometimes the entire set of songs would not fit on one section so half way through a song would stop and then pick up again when it switched tracks. Well now I sit at my computer and call up a song and press a button and the song comes through space and into my computer. It is like magical. For some reason I have really wanted to go back in time while somehow managing to live in the present. It has been wierd but I have gone back to listening to some of the music you and I loved to listen to. Right now I am listening to your all time favourite Carroll Baker. What a voice. She rang out so much emotions with her voice. You should hear how people sing today. Well if you call it singing....mostly it seems like a lot of yelling and so little emotion in their voice. It has been fun rediscovering music from my past. Thanks for introducing Carroll Baker to me all those years ago. Another memory I get to treasure all over again. Well I must go and call my friend Cheryl who just got out of the hospital remind me to tell you all about that too.

Love Jim

Can You Forgive Me?

Hi Grandma:

It has been a long time. I was actually afraid to start talking to you again. I know I have a lot to explain but I love you for being so patient. The first time you went away I had someone to blame. Sheila. The second time I had no one to blame so I blamed you and let you go. I am so sorry. I can't believe the mess my life has been since you left. Well, who is kidding who, it wasn't exactly off to a great start. As weird as this may sound it all seems to be coming together now. I have quit smoking but if you came back from heaven you know there would be a drink and a cigarette waiting for you. And a deck of cards so we could play rummy. Believe me I will be kicking back a drink with you and lighting up a smoke. I miss the nights we played cards and talked. It is hard to lose someone you love more than life. I realize now that there are some losses you just never get over.

Anyway so glad I took the time to touch base. You can bet you will be hearing from me again real soon. And hey if you want to send me a message go ahead it won't freak me out.

Love Jimmy

Visconti Triplets - Hot or............

Turns out there has been a lot going on in the world while I was busy indulging in myself these last couple of years. It would have been nice if the world had stopped so I didn't have to play catch up. I have been looking into the wierd and wonderful and....and discovered the Visconti Triplets, purely by accident. These very cute, very hunky 19 year old boys have started to become gay porn sensations by acting in porn movies together. I'm slightly replused yet turned on at the same time.

Hot - definitely if I am thinking with my cock. Young boys do not do it for me....ever. Well, never say ever, because these boys do it for me. They apparently don't "do it" with each other on camera (I have no idea about off camera, I am sure when they were younger they must have dabbled)so that means in my fantasy I would be the main attraction. So yes having three hot guys only focusing on me during sex is a hot fantasy. Who cares if they are brothers.

??? - if I am not thinking with my cock I don't know what to think. First of all I have no brothers so the close as I can get to this subject matter is trying to think about how I would feel having sex with someone and both my sisters participating. Well not hot doesn't begin to describe how I would feel...repulsed, horrified, my worst nightmare come true. No there is no way I can begin to wrap my head around it.

Hot - three brothers all oiled up, wrestling with each other to determine who gets me first....hot. Very hot.

But like many of my fantasies they are best left as fantasies. To actually watch it happening to someone else would be like driving by a car accident. Yes we all slow down and take a look but do you really hope to see a car accident when driving. No. Just like I am not sure I want to watch three brothers having sex with someone in a movie.

I have drawn my line. The amazing thing about life for most of us is that we can draw our own lines. So well done boys....all the best to you.

I Saw The Light.....and it isn't pretty....

"If every home in the U.S. put in one compact flourescent light bulb....the savings in greenhouse emissions would be wiped out by fewer than two medium-sized coal plants. The kind of plant that is being build in China at a rate of one a week" the headline stated.

What are we expected to do next if anything at all. The environment has been a concern to me over the last few years and it's slow destruction. I will talk about it a lot, although, rather ignorantly. I do feel an obligation to future generations that they may have an opportunity to enjoy the earth's beauty as I have. Changing my light bulb will have no impact. I have purchased recyclable bags to take with me to the grocery store but realize the number of plastic bags I would normally use in a week pales in comparison to the number of diapers that end up in land fill. I don't have a car and walk to work and use public transit to get around. I live in 700 square feet so I am not heating and cooling a large home. I actually live well below my means. And none of it matters globally. At least I have the knowledge that I am not a grotesque contributor to the problem and make my best attempts to improve the scenario however small it may be.

The answer. I think it is too late for the answer of trying to reverse the affects. Developing countries like China and India do not have the ability understand why they should cut their living standards and deny their kids better health care or schools when we in North America also show little interest.

Parents still want their kids to have everything. They still want to drive their kids to hockey/soccer/ballet (fill in any blank)in their SUV's. They want to have the big house in suberbia with the in-ground pool. And how can you fault anyone for that?

The world is a mess....who is kidding who. We can get up each day and enjoy our happy lives but I am afraid that we have a future in front of us that....I am not sure how to finish that sentence. Of course there is a future in front us and how it will look is anyone's guess. Perhaps a great saviour will be sent down from heaven. Perhaps life from another planet will arrive and have the answers. Perhaps people in power will actually step up. Perhaps I will be long gone before anything of real concern happens. I do beleive the future generations will look back upon the period of 1900's to now as one of the periods when civilization was the greediest.

Where There's Smoke....

So I am not smoking. It has been 10 days and all goes well. Of course I am medicated. I just gave up trying to do it on my own and finally asked my doctor for a prescription. It is pretty incredible really. You pick a start date within 14 days of starting the medication and then just do it. So my brain waves and moods are currently being altered by both the commencement of the drugs and the ceasing of the nicotine feed. I must say that I feel calmer than I have been in a long time and that is saying a lot as I feel like I have been going mad over the last three years. I like the pills....I am sure I will hate giving them up at the end of 12 weeks. Do I miss smoking? Not really. I had past the point of hating myself for smoking and was just around the corner from plain hating myself. Hating myself for breaking every commitment that I was making with me. This Monday I will stop or this Monday I will start reducing how much I smoke was a weekly ritual that fell apart within 15 minutes of starting every Monday. I was dissolving into thinking of myself as a complete failure in life. So I can honestly say my self esteem has greatly improved. Feeling level is pretty fantastic when you have been feeling low. With that said there are certain windows when I crave one and start making deals with myself. I honestly believe that I will smoke again. From time to time. Similar to how some people do recreational drugs. From time to time. I will never be able to keep cigarettes in my home. The deal I have made with myself is that at some point in the future when one of my friends comes over for an evening who socially smoked with me I will make them bring cigarettes with them. We will smoke a few with martinis and then throw them in the garbage. It will be a treat. I believe I can handle that but who knows. I am not near ready to try that experiment yet. I was hoping to write a book about stopping smoking. It was going to be clever and witty and a best seller. Until today when at the book store I found out David Saderis new book deals with that very subject so another dream up in smoke. But all is not lost. I bought a guitar last weekend. I figured that I would need something to do with my hands in the evening and decided I would learn how to play the guitar. So now there's a new dream.....it's Nashville or bust.

Good Bye Self Help

My forties so far have been just a little bumpy. There have been lots of great things happen and lots of challenges. Sometimes I long for my youth when there was an innocence and a sense of excitement about my future. Life has shifted that. I do appreciate being more socially conscious than I was in my twenties. With the start of my forties I started examining my life more closely. The things that were working, the things that weren't and what I wanted to change. I turned to ready a lot of self-help books. I have read more to many and they kept reshaping my thinking until I wasn't sure what I was thinking anymore. I kept telling myself how I should feel because I had read it. Two weeks ago I started a "Yoga Conscious Movement" class that ran for 9 weeks. Part of the course was to read Lousie Hay's "You Can Heal Yourself". I have read the first two chapters. I have now decided to throw out all my self-help books. As long as you are reading self-help books your mind is telling you that there is something wrong with you or something that needs to be fixed. I have decided that I am fine. I am a product of all my experiences and I am impacted by world events that go on around me. I make mistakes and I learn from them. I change and grow daily. I am optimistic about the future. I am fine. Reading for pleasure sounds like so much more fun.

Spring Is Here

There is only one way to beat this weather and that is too pretend spring is here. On Saturday I dragged myself through the snowstorm for my first pilates lesson. Time to start working on the spring body. Bathing suit season is creeping up like an assasin. I will have abs by that time. I spent today spring cleaning. Bought fresh tulips and placed them throughout my home. The snow can blow and swirl around me but I'll just pretend it is spring. Most of life is about mental attitude.